If it’s not the town, it’s the language,
If it’s not the language, it’s the people
If it’s not the people, it’s the in laws
if it’s not the in-laws, it’s the neighbours
If it’s not the neighbours, it’s his mate
If it’s not his mate, it’s the dog
If it’s not the dog, it’s our son
If it’s not our son, it’s me..
You know you’re married to a guy with Aspergers when you’re full of flu & haven’t eaten because you’re too ill & he’s sat eating a bacon & mushroom roll he’s made for himself, without even asking if you want anything, all day, because the day before you dared have the gall to raise an eyebrow when he verbally ‘shhhd’ you.
Theres was a girl with green hair sat crying on a bench in the car park,
she wore no coat,
the rain didn’t bother her as she sat with her face buried in her hands.
Her head bowed to her chest, the back of her neck exposed & wet.
I ask her “are you ok?”, she says “she is” & stands.
I say “it’s probably not worth getting wet for.”
She looks & me as she walks off and says “I hope it is” ….
Rain on the windscreen
It blurs the view like a fog
The road ahead gone.
I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to move, I don’t want to know I have nothing to look forward to, no goal, no prize, no reason for getting up.
I’ll just lay here, curled up in a ball, fading….
Time is flying by,
days become weeks,
weeks become months,
months years,
you know the drill.
Nothing much changes.
Theres highs, theres lows.
The same money worries, the same triggers, the same red zones, the same regrets, the same fears, the same arguments, the same hurt.
It’s the looks that hurt the most, the words I can cope with, they hurt but they’re vapour, ephemeral . The looks burn, deep, painful, smouldering. Glares & glowers with hate filled eyes.
There’s never any looks of love or longing, always pain & anger.
It’s hard to live with someone who looks at you every morning frowning, with eyes so black, like vacuous holes, that they suck hope from your own.
Something tragic truly happened, one lax moment of thought results in a tragedy of such magnitude you can’t imagine how that person can go on, how do they live with the guilt, knowing that their action caused the death of a child, their child, in such a cruel way.
So many times I have also forgotten to pull that lever myself, so many times it can happen to anyone, that one lapse in judgment, mind elsewhere, muscle memory failure.
Pull the handbrake…
A flame creeps at the edges, stoking its felicitous fingers into your safe & secure world.
It has shape, a shape you know.
You’re entranced by its passion as it licks, slow & intense.
Tracing the edges of shadows as it tries to sweep across your being.
Its trying to ignites a spark that can burn your world, you must not let it catch.
Scars still tight & thin, you’d snuffed it out, extinguished it before, seen it die, go cold. Relief and sadness.
Ignore the flickering, the desire to touch the flame, to run your fingers through it, to feel the intensity, the pleasures, the pain.
it will all end in ashes..
Schmeh....Musings of a Woman Married to a Man With Autism. 