I went to my brothers wedding yesterday, just me & our son, my husband is ill with flu and staying home with the dog which is the perfect excuse, he didn’t want to come anyway. Since the invite arrived he’s been winding up to it, getting both of us really anxious for different reasons, saying how much he hates my brothers mindset & attitude. Trying to make me feel like not going. Y son & I went, he gave us a lift, he was ill but drive us 1/2 an hour to the station early yesterday morning, came home & lay in the sofa all day ill. I made him a fresh pot of chill so he had some tasty food he could easily heat up & eat (this has been thrown in my face, not literally but … I’ll get to that later.) tried to make it easy for him to be on his own for a night, make him feel cared for. I rang him from the train, i rand him from my brothers, I FaceTimed him from the hotel, I FaceTimed him before I went to sleep, to make sure he was ok & to show him I was missing him. I had a tough time, feeling like the complete outsider with my family, unable to get drunk or relax & have fun with my family being the outsider & hiding from the adults of my family preferring to chaperone the kids in the bar lounge. I left the party early to go to bed to ring him & FaceTimed him when I woke up this morning. I rang him from the train station, from the train. He collected us from the station & we drove home.
While we were sat in the train station a train pulled in going to London, I’d turned to my son asking him if he wanted to get on it. I wish I had.
We get home, I’m wobbly from the journey, tired & drained. He said in the car how bored he’s been & how horrible it was without us. I just want to have a cup of tea & sit down. I make us tea. He’s sitting in the other room with headphones in while I watch a film. He goes upstairs for a shower, comes back down. I’ve made a sandwich which starts it. Why didn’t I make dinner? Why did I have a sandwich & make one for our son too? Our son had asked him if he wanted one, he’d declined. He sits upstairs watching sport & comes down shouting about making food & being hungry, I get up to make it for him, he demands I sit down, he doesn’t want me cooking for him. Tells me to stop doing this (?) goes back upstairs saying he’s not hungry anymore. I go into the kitchen to start cooking, he comes back down & says I’m bullshitting about cooking, that I’ve been ignoring him, that I’ve abandoned him, that I’m callous, uncaring & prefer my family. I say I tried to be as caring as I could, I made sure he had good food, he says “the chilli, I’ve had to go to the loo loads of time because of the beans in that, how many times have you made that before? Why did you make that & not think to make me my favourite dish?” So the effort I made to make something tasty & nutritious & easy got turned onto you fed me something that made me shit & gave me a sore arse!! He tells me to “just fuck off” because I obviously feel contempt towards him. This is all coming at me out of the blue. He tells me since I’ve gone home I’ve just been ignoring him & that he thought I’d be all over him, that I need to look at my behaviour, that he can’t live like this anymore, that since his parents were dicks to me I’ve seen him in a different light & scowl at him. I try to explain but he just keeps saying that I keep saying i do it because he does it first, that I’m blaming him all the time, that it’s not me it’s you. I’m trying to explain how it could be him telling me to “fuck off” all the time that makes me sad, he says why do you think I say that to you, basically saying “it’s not me it’s you” to me. I started crying, he started having a go at me about me not being able to be happy, about me not allowing it, how I create monsters, how he’s the polar opposite of that, how he wants to go out with a careless attitude & how I’m not & all I’m thinking is “you’re talking about yourself, and making it out to be me”. He’s gone upstairs now, we’re even further apart, this is not how I thought today would go. He’s been here on his own for 24 hours & has obviously over thought & dissected everything Ive said & done & hates himself & me & the whole situation & is throwing it at me.
I miss family but I’m not like them anymore, I miss my husband, he’s not him anymore.