Green hair..

Theres was a girl with green hair sat crying on a bench in the car park, she wore no coat, the rain didn’t bother her as she sat with her face buried in her hands. Her head bowed to her chest, the back of her neck exposed & wet.

I ask her “are you ok?”, she says “she is” & stands. I say “it’s probably not worth getting wet for.”

She looks & me as she walks off and says “I hope it is” ….

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No direction

Rain on the windscreen

It blurs the view like a fog

The road ahead gone.

Only the lonely

He’s passed the point of no return… he’s in the ‘I love you but I don’t like you’ stage & he’s struggling with it. We are alone for 4 nights, day one was fine, we talked & we did or own thing in the evening & went to bed & watched a film. Day 2 neither of us want to get up, then he did, angrily, so I stayed in bed a bit longer to let him calm when I got up there was a tirade of abuse of things that happened weeks months years ago, proper foot stomping screaming red zone, there was no calming him. I walked out & we’ve not talked since.

There is no moving forward with someone with ASD because every emotion has mood lability, events are never resolved, they’re put away until a redzone whereupon they are dragged back out & spat at you as if you had done them 2 minutes earlier, all the pain, anger, emotion in waves of perseveration…

As if to keep you unhappy..lonely.

Returning

I went to my brothers wedding yesterday, just me & our son, my husband is ill with flu and staying home with the dog which is the perfect excuse, he didn’t want to come anyway. Since the invite arrived he’s been winding up to it, getting both of us really anxious for different reasons, saying how much he hates my brothers mindset & attitude. Trying to make me feel like not going. Y son & I went, he gave us a lift, he was ill but drive us 1/2 an hour to the station early yesterday morning, came home & lay in the sofa all day ill. I made him a fresh pot of chill so he had some tasty food he could easily heat up & eat (this has been thrown in my face, not literally but … I’ll get to that later.) tried to make it easy for him to be on his own for a night, make him feel cared for. I rang him from the train, i rand him from my brothers, I FaceTimed him from the hotel, I FaceTimed him before I went to sleep, to make sure he was ok & to show him I was missing him. I had a tough time, feeling like the complete outsider with my family, unable to get drunk or relax & have fun with my family being the outsider & hiding from the adults of my family preferring to chaperone the kids in the bar lounge. I left the party early to go to bed to ring him & FaceTimed him when I woke up this morning. I rang him from the train station, from the train. He collected us from the station & we drove home.

While we were sat in the train station a train pulled in going to London, I’d turned to my son asking him if he wanted to get on it. I wish I had.

We get home, I’m wobbly from the journey, tired & drained. He said in the car how bored he’s been & how horrible it was without us. I just want to have a cup of tea & sit down. I make us tea. He’s sitting in the other room with headphones in while I watch a film. He goes upstairs for a shower, comes back down. I’ve made a sandwich which starts it. Why didn’t I make dinner? Why did I have a sandwich & make one for our son too? Our son had asked him if he wanted one, he’d declined. He sits upstairs watching sport & comes down shouting about making food & being hungry, I get up to make it for him, he demands I sit down, he doesn’t want me cooking for him. Tells me to stop doing this (?) goes back upstairs saying he’s not hungry anymore. I go into the kitchen to start cooking, he comes back down & says I’m bullshitting about cooking, that I’ve been ignoring him, that I’ve abandoned him, that I’m callous, uncaring & prefer my family. I say I tried to be as caring as I could, I made sure he had good food, he says “the chilli, I’ve had to go to the loo loads of time because of the beans in that, how many times have you made that before? Why did you make that & not think to make me my favourite dish?” So the effort I made to make something tasty & nutritious & easy got turned onto you fed me something that made me shit & gave me a sore arse!! He tells me to “just fuck off” because I obviously feel contempt towards him. This is all coming at me out of the blue. He tells me since I’ve gone home I’ve just been ignoring him & that he thought I’d be all over him, that I need to look at my behaviour, that he can’t live like this anymore, that since his parents were dicks to me I’ve seen him in a different light & scowl at him. I try to explain but he just keeps saying that I keep saying i do it because he does it first, that I’m blaming him all the time, that it’s not me it’s you. I’m trying to explain how it could be him telling me to “fuck off” all the time that makes me sad, he says why do you think I say that to you, basically saying “it’s not me it’s you” to me. I started crying, he started having a go at me about me not being able to be happy, about me not allowing it, how I create monsters, how he’s the polar opposite of that, how he wants to go out with a careless attitude & how I’m not & all I’m thinking is “you’re talking about yourself, and making it out to be me”. He’s gone upstairs now, we’re even further apart, this is not how I thought today would go. He’s been here on his own for 24 hours & has obviously over thought & dissected everything Ive said & done & hates himself & me & the whole situation & is throwing it at me.

I miss family but I’m not like them anymore, I miss my husband, he’s not him anymore.

Compromises

Living with ASD means never having any expectations, not getting angry if your plans are killed dead in the water in the last minute, waiting for conflict to pass or meaning you do nothing on precious days off. So many trips & days out cancelled, so many lips bitten…..

Guilt fest..

We sat up talking until 4am,

The same questions, “what do I do to change so it doesn’t happen again?” “What do you do to change so it doesn’t happen again?” “What do we do to change so it doesn’t happen again?”

“I don’t know”

Today the guilt, the depression, the malaise…

Bad trip..

Have just spent the past 3 hours out in the car looking for him after he walked off with no phone or jacket into the rain while I was vomiting in the bathroom…

We went to the city today, I drove, I’m not supposed to do long journeys as I have nystagmus but because he’s not driving at the moment because its winding him up & makes him anxious, I drove. This means he sits behind me the whole 2 hour journey telling me how to drive. I respect his wishes of keeping my distance between us & cars in-front, but it’s never good enough & his constant back seat driving makes me anxious & I low concentration because he’s talking at me. By the time we get to the city he’s frazzled & so am I.

He calms himself down & we set to do the main thing we wanted to do which was primarily get shoes for our son to go back to school. My wanting to go the the museum to see a photography exhibition goes out the window after we spend an hour in a book shop while he looks for books. We decide instead of rushing to museum for 15mins that I will come again & see the exhibition, I’m ok about it. So we decide to have something to eat & make our way home. We go to another shop for him then the Japanese restaurant he likes, all his s well I think, then to the car park. The real trouble starts here, when I get in the passenger seat, as it means he’s driving, we agreed this before we left this morning, but he says he’s ok & we depart. We get to the motorway & he’s driving really fast & really close to cars in front of us. I say maybe he should pull back a bit, he says he’s “in 6th & the car wants to go”, I say “I know it’s hard to not go fast in 6th”, he takes this as me taking the piss, having no a dig, tit for tat & loses it, he pulls off the motorways the next junction which happened to be a services, shouting at me all the way, calling me all the bastards under the sun. He stops in the services gets out of the car & walks off. He comes back 5 mins later demanding cash so he can get a bus, I tell him there is no bus to where we live & I have no cash anyway. He walks off again shouting how he doesn’t want to be “anywhere fucking near you, it’s over I’m not taking anymore of your shit, you don’t understand me, all you do is take the piss” & goes into the services. He then comes back opens the back door & gets on the car telling my son to sit in the front. I’m driving home. I drive off, I’m so flustered I miss the turn off for the motorway & have to go around the round about again, at this point he tells me to “stop the car”, he’s getting out, I don’t stop the car. I drive home as quickly as I can in complete silence the whole way trying not to break down in tears but I’m so upset that as soon as we get home I have to run to the bathroom to vomit. While I’m in the bathroom he’s got out of the car & walked off up the road, I don’t know this until our son comes in the bathroom & tells me “Dad’s walked off up the road!”. Now this road is a 60mph country A road with no pavement & no lights, he’s stormed off with no torch, no phone, no jacket & it’s raining & getting dark. I, on hearing what he’s done, immediately get back in the car & go look for him, I spend the next 2 hours looking for him, I come home & son is distraught, I send him up to the tent to check if he’s up there, he’s not, so our son comes with me, I leave his phone on the sofa & we go off in the car to look over in the woods by the river for him, which is the only place I can think he would go, it’s pitch dark now. Son & I search with torches but there’s no sign of him so we agree to go back to the house, check if he’s home then go look around town again if he’s nowhere to be seen. All this time I’m thinking who do I call for help? No one. Do I call the police? Do I, god forbid, call his parents?? What do I do????? As we leave the woods I tell my son to text his dads phone just to say if he’s home please can he text back so we know he’s home as we’re out looking for him, as we pull up to the house my son gets a text which is just random letters but means he’s home. I park up after 3 hours driving up & down & around a 4 mile radius look my for him. He’s in his room. My second m & I go up, I ask him if he’s ok? He just growls at me “go away & leave me alone” I leave the room go downstairs & pour a huge glass of wine which I down in one. I’m relieved he’s home ok, our second n is relieved he’s home ok to the point he’s in his knees thanking Jesus, we’re not religious.

What happens now?

Oh and it’s his birthday tomorrow.

A change is as good as a rest (but can also remind you that what you are going back to actually makes you ill)

He’s been awful, locked away, paranoid, until we went away to a Math rock festival for 3 night where he became a different person, I’d booked it over a year ago & it was the second time we were attending, so he knew what to expect. On the other hand I became a OCD nightmare, starting the weekend with an anxiety over if I’d locked the front door & the house getting burgled or burning to the ground because I’d set a timer for the lamp in the living room which was bound to malfunction & catch fire. He got me through it, throwing every CBT trick in the book at me & reminding me that the only important things were in the car going on a weekend away so if anything did happened, then schmeh, so what! He calmed me down for a change… we had one incident with in over zealous vindictive security guard who insisted on checking his bag, no one else’s, every time we walked passed her which elicited in him a sense of persecution triggering his ODD, which lead to him voicing his complaint to the head steward who instantly recognised his condition, apologised & gave us VIP passes so we could access the side of the stages & the VIP bar which was quieter & easier to get to without the security checks all the time…We had a great time. The mood was maintained for a whole 3 days on return, then the enormity of my stupid situation with a friend & his paranoia over his parents & where we live hit home 3 fold. I was depressed because of my ousting & frustrated with my situation & his, he was depressed because we were home & the situation hadn’t changed & I was miserable. I had to promise never to go into business or help friends with business again, that that’s not who I am anymore, I haven’t been that for 20years proper but keep getting dragged into these scenarios where my previous incarnation appears. He has promised to not be so negative because it’s a cyclical reflection of doom in our house.

In readiness we are making plans for how to survive in this place until our son leaves school & what we can do to keep us active & using our brains without killing each other through frustration & circumstance…. I’m trying to plan a few days away next week to get some distance from the house again but we will see what happens. The change was great, the coming home not so much.

GREAZY ……

I have, over a period of the past 18 months, been creating a brand, a business, with a friend (I now use that term loosely).

I poured my heart & soul & all my creative juices, forsaking a lot of my husbands needs & my own side line business distraction in the process. I created a successful brand, it is now already recognised by my branding & a fledgling in its field, my “friend” has taken it, used it built his business on it & has shut me out, putting all the business into his wife’s name & not giving me anything. I’ve been used, deceived & betrayed, I have not been paid a penny & am out of pocket for materials but mainly out of pocket on trust.

I’ve found it incredibly difficult to accept my ousting, I’m mourning the loss of my creation, my beautiful imagining & words stolen from me, my trust of people, self worth & self respect have taken a beating. The majority of my depression & moods over the past months have been due to my frustration & anger at my lack of recognition, the situation I have been put in & put my family in trying to help out a friend.

Tonight should be my busiest night, i should be doing shout outs & media post, because they are opening tomorrow but where I once was it’s voice is now a failing silence in their promotion because I was shut out. I have hung on too long, I should’ve listened to my husband, who with the benefit of logical thinking & cynicism of everything, read what was happening before I’d even started anything. A perfect I told you so scenario has developed, but he’s not snide enough to say it but my involvement has caused many an argument & red zone. I am now at the point of accepting I am not part of this exciting new experience & I can only be a carer/wife & cannot explore avenues outside these roles as it causes too many problems in our house. A compromise I will have to live with….at least the arguments about it have stopped.