This week he has wandered, but only inside the house & garden. He has wandered and contemplated and wandered about some more. Then stopped wandering and questioned everything, then got angry, then depressed, then confused. He’s broken things & repaired things, then got angry because he broke the things in the first place. He’s questioned why he’s angry, why he’s broken things, why he can’t face people outside this week.
We all know the answer is all to do with his Mother phoning him. She has phoned because she is afraid she is dying, afraid that she’s not recovering from the hip replacement in sufficient time to get the other replaced, she hyper focusing on herself but wants to ask him to give her advice when all she wants to do is moan to him how bad she’s feeling while pretending to everyone else she’s ok. She’s duplicitous and anything he tells her she ignores, she has ignored him his whole life.
“I have to do something, Ive just been in the house all week, doing nothing. Living here is doing my head in. I hate feeling like this, my fucking parents make me feel like this, why can’t they just fuck off and leave me alone. I wish they would just go. F@cking Cu%t, f@cking cu%t, f@cking cu%t, what do I do, what do I do, what do I do?”
Wandering like undead sheep into the abyss,
The only clouds dark, unlined,
People happily fall, unaware of their actions, thoughts, consequences.
No yellow hosts of triumphant beauty welcome them there.
No stars will shine to guide the way, just highly polished pieces of faeces rolled in glitter,
Pretending to be stars,
Pretending to be something they are not,
Toxic shiny plastic squares fall away as they dance with you.
Polluting the vacuous souls
No bliss, no solitude, no pensive mood,
You’re just left with the stains they leave,
Stains that don’t come out..
I have a dog, he smells like feet & tuna, I don’t know why.
He has an uncanny knack of nagging my husband to distraction, he reads his moods and when he’s vulnerable he makes his move onto the sofa in the space my husband has just vacated, or he stares from across the room, burning eyes piercing your psyche until you do something for him. He doesn’t like being stroked, he doesn’t bark much, he’s ball and sausage obsessed and is selectively deaf & doesn’t like crowds, a bit like my husband, they even have the same coat.
I love him…
Here we are again, a school holiday, a change of routine, an extra person in the house to interact with. Oh what tangled webs can be weaved and misunderstood and used to wrap one self up in. Every holiday is the same, the first three days are the hardest, the middle days theres a relapse and then comes the regret at the end. So basically all holidays are difficult. We try to do stuff but everything is so expensive and money is tight so everything becomes unjustifiable and difficult and he hates other people anyway and everywhere is full of them at the moment because its Easter, so we end up stuck in, circling each other, bored and cranky. Im currently in a malaise, I have no energy, no drive, no enthusiasm, no patience. This is a bad state of mind to be in if you’re caring for someone with Aspergers and ADHD because he picks up on the negative emotion and mirrors it back ten fold, but I am depressed, there I said it. I am depressed, and tired, and anxious. Therefore so is he…. Around around around we go……..
The main reason for this weeks depression and red-zones is that plans were changed on the evening our son went away. I had pre planned a night out that would have been the perfect distraction but the plan changed last minute, this threw him. He had been focusing on the night out as the start to the week when he could hyper focus on things he liked, guilt free, instead he is now hyper focusing on the change of day and all the paranoia and self questioning that comes with change. Now all he wants to do is punch people in the head for messing up his week.
He’s landed, back for five minutes, he’s watching tv, he’s still not talking but he’s not glaring & frowning. He’s not eaten despite my numerous offers of varying types of food from sushi to homemade bread & crappy but tasty hotdogs but he will eat when he’s ready. He says he can’t stay in with me tonight, not after the outburst earlier, he embarrassed, guilty. I tell him Im Teflon and not to worry….. I worry
He came back from the walk, no calmer than before he went, but at least he came back.
He then turns and picks on me, this is standard behaviour for him, he is angry all morning, holds it in until mid afternoon then lets it out in my direction.
He’s angry at me for arranging the night out that I have now cancelled, angry that I have made it his fault again, angry that yesterday I told him that maybe saying you’re suffering make you suffer, angry that I don’t give him support, that I should go out on my own because he obviously spoils my life, angry that I love him. He doesn’t get that I understand, that I know what he’s going through, that I don’t blame him. He thinks he’s getting worse, that he’s losing his mind completely, that our house is a prison, that life is a prison… This is so upsetting … I don’t know what to do?
I have had to lie again, invited out for some social interaction at a friends house, I have had to cancel, take a rain check, say he has come down with a stomach bug because he cant face going out, because this particular couple have let us down on 3 previous occasions so he no longer trusts them. They change plans at last minute because Ive lied to them by not telling them he has Aspergers, to protect him from judgement. They do not know he cannot switch, has to plan, has to know in concrete things are going to happen. So again Ive lied…. I am a liar. Im fed up of lying. Its ironic, he hates liars & yet forces me to be one….
P.S. I am a liar. I lie for him, lie to cover up how he’s feeling, lie to cover up how Im feeling, lie about why he can’t go somewhere, lie about why he can’t do something, I lie not be be judged. I lie to protect him, I cover his Aspergers with lies so people who don’t know he has ASD don’t know he has, and they never get too close to be privilege of the information, that they don’t judge him and treat him like an imbecile, he’s not, he’s highly intelligent but as soon as they know he has ASD they pity him, start using this patronising tone, start treating him differently, suddenly think they are more intelligent or better than he, that he is ill, stupid.
I just took a phone call from my brother who asked how everything was this morning, I lied and told him ‘OK’ just moments after my husband had silently walked out the door, not a word spoken to me all morning, just glares. I lied when I am screaming inside, ‘its not ok, he’s gone out and I don’t know if he’ll come back, I don’t know if today he’ll go to the bridge and not through his normal walk of the woods, I don’t know if he’ll take a rope, Im not with him to make sure he’s not doing harm, I don’t know if I’ll speak to him again’. All this going on in my head and I reply ‘OK’. I lied to protect myself from the judgements of my brother on the situation Im in of caring for my husband who he thinks is ‘just weird’ and needs to man up and get over it, which is the popular response to Aspregers in the current social climate. I lied to our son who called from Austria last night, I told him everything was great, fab, that everything is OK……
I lie to myself thinking I can cope…
I am no better than his parents…..