You know you’re married to a guy with Aspergers when you’re full of flu & haven’t eaten because you’re too ill & he’s sat eating a bacon & mushroom roll he’s made for himself, without even asking if you want anything, all day, because the day before you dared have the gall to raise an eyebrow when he verbally ‘shhhd’ you.
Theres was a girl with green hair sat crying on a bench in the car park, she wore no coat, the rain didn’t bother her as she sat with her face buried in her hands. Her head bowed to her chest, the back of her neck exposed & wet.
I ask her “are you ok?”, she says “she is” & stands. I say “it’s probably not worth getting wet for.”
She looks & me as she walks off and says “I hope it is” ….
Rain on the windscreen
It blurs the view like a fog
The road ahead gone.
I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to move, I don’t want to know I have nothing to look forward to, no goal, no prize, no reason for getting up.
I’ll just lay here, curled up in a ball, fading….
Time is flying by, days become weeks, weeks become months, months years, you know the drill. Nothing much changes. Theres highs, theres lows. The same money worries, the same triggers, the same red zones, the same regrets, the same fears, the same arguments, the same hurt.
It’s the looks that hurt the most, the words I can cope with, they hurt but they’re vapour, ephemeral . The looks burn, deep, painful, smouldering. Glares & glowers with hate filled eyes. There’s never any looks of love or longing, always pain & anger. It’s hard to live with someone who looks at you every morning, frowning with eyes so black like vacuous holes that suck hope from your own.
Something tragic truly happened, one lax moment of thought results in a tragedy of such magnitude you can’t imagine how that person can go on, how do they live with the guilt, knowing that their action caused the death of a child, their child, in such a cruel way.
So many times I have also forgotten to pull that lever myself, so many times it can happen to anyone, that one lapse in judgment, mind elsewhere, muscle memory failure.
Pull the handbrake…
A flame creeps at the edges, stoking its felicitous fingers into your safe & secure world.
It has shape, a shape you know.
You’re entranced by its passion as it licks, slow & intense.
Tracing the edges of shadows as it tries to sweep across your being.
Its trying to ignites a spark that can burn your world, you must not let it catch.
Scars still tight & thin, you’d snuffed it out, extinguished it before, seen it die, go cold. Relief and sadness.
Ignore the flickering, the desire to touch the flame, to run your fingers through it, to feel the intensity, the pleasures, the pain.
it will all end in ashes..
Ive been thinking recently about why women are perceived to be the weaker sex, to be fragile around menstrual cycles, to be seen as inferior and weak minded due to hormones. This is all utter and total nonsense of course, I have realised that the main reason women have been perceived in this way is plain and simple, its because we bleed and this frightens men, we were forced to see our menstrual cycles as a personal affair that we should keep concealed and to ourselves to remain acceptable to males, so that they don’t have to think ‘Ewh she’s bleeding and hormonal’.
This nonsense way of thinking starts in primary school in around the 6th grade where the sexes are divided and a nurse turns up at the school with a bag full of male & female secrets that shall not be divulged across the gender gap. Girls get told about the impending shame that is to befall them and the many ways to conceal it from humanity, for its not to be seen or talked about and it’ll make you feel different but we’re female so we’re allowed to feel inferior and shameful and tired. The boys get carted off and told about testicles and erections and hair growth and strength increase and deep voices and how they are going to feel strong and driven. This is the fundamental mistake, the genders should not be divided to talk about this stuff, both genders need to know what is happening to each other, girls shouldn’t have to hide periods from people in shame but announce their cycle as a herald of look out, I may be a bit shouty for the next few days but its ok because you, boys, feel like that most of the time but you think its normal and it is normal, maybe we don’t actually feel that different from each other but we’re just told to. I would suggest boys and girls generally feel the same, both are emotional, both are confused, both feel urges of anger and frustration, both feel insecurity and shame. Boys have the shame of unwanted erections and contestant urges to fiddle, girls bleed for approximately 30 years, its life. A lot of the gender differences are imprinted from nurture not nature, if boys were told its ok to cry and be emotional Im sure that they’d be crying most days on par if not more than girls, its the repression that manifests itself as frustration that results in anger, this can happen to both sexes but girls get a pass because they’re hormonal! Boys are hormonal too! Why do educators make it such a gender divide? Surely it must be imperative for each sex to understand the other and not feel embarrassed or shameful about how their bodies work and change and surely this has to happen from an early age. So why in the UK is it still taboo and given such a .
Girls are not the weaker sex, girls have just been told they are for so long that they hide behind this veneer because society has told them to.