The Blue Stick of Destiny Wasn’t Lying… (Surrogate Daughter…)

Well 14 days late it arrived. I truly am in the pre stages of menopause, or premenopausal. My Mother In Law keeps telling me how great she felt on HRT and how I should go straight to the GP and get some. My heart is weeping a little for the children I never had and now never will.

On a positive note and accepting the changes and the inevitable fact that I will now never have a daughter of my own, all my 70’s well loved and cared for Sindy toys down from the attic, put them in a big brown box and posted them to a friends daughter for her 3rd birthday.

I cherished my Sindy toys and kept them to pass down to my children, but alas my son has no interest in the Sindy dolls or the Horse or kitchen set, bathroom set, bedroom set, buggy, shoes and accessories that I had kept for so long. So off they went to a little girl I looked after now and again, my surrogate daughter,  who I know will love and play with them, and who knows, maybe she’ll pass them on one day.





We Float..

ImageWhen the water came over the levy, I was sat in my chair, blanket on my knees, TV on the shopping channel.

Im still in my front room, no one has been to my house yet, not to save me anyway.

A young guy came in looking for my TV but when he saw it was an old one he left empty handed.

Im floating,

my last gasp of air was days ago.

Im floating in the room I gave birth to my sons,

The room in which I laid out my husband not 2 yrs past….

I can see him now, he beckons me.

I go to him like a dog to its master.

He was a hateful man.

I am in Hell…….

Blue Stick of Destiny says “No….!”.


Well the digital version of what used to be a pink or blue line/spot/X read ‘Not Pregnant’ in a nice Helvetica font. That was cheery.  So it appears according to the blue stick of destiny, that I am not pregnant and that I am either on the “change” or something worse that I can’t even think about but if I start losing weight drastically I promise I will get checked out.

The ‘Not Pregnant’ result really surprised me, I feel pregnant. I’ve been pregnant 3 times before, only carrying once to term, so I know the feeling. Tender breasts, tiredness, feeling sick, that weird feeling in your pubic area, the stretching aches, lower back pain, wee smelling different, crying at nothing at all, nipples like bullets! So seeing the ‘not pregnant’ confused me. Does the menopause make you feel pregnant? Is that what it’s symptoms are? I looked it up, the list is huge, here are some of the symptoms ….. As listed by Magnolia Miller a women’s health blogger:-

The more common symptoms of perimenopause are erratic monthly cycles, mood swings, hot flashes and night sweats.

• Insomnia

• Loss of Libido

• Irritability

• Extreme Crying Jags & Depression

• Weight Gain

• Short Term Memory Loss

• Vaginal Dryness

• Hypothyroidism

• Foggy Thinking

• Crashing Fatigue

• Heart Palpitations

• Changes in Body Odor

• Longer flooding periods, shorter scant periods or both

• Muscle and Joint Aches

• Hair Loss or thinning

• Anxiety & Feelings of Apprehension or dread

• Food Cravings

• Vertigo & Dizziness

• Breast Tenderness

• Difficulty concentrating.

Absolutely blooming fantastic is all I can say! And I mean that sarcastically!!! Thirty years of a continuous cycle of pain, depression & bleeding comes to a crashing crescendo of a finale with the symptoms of above. This can last 10+ years too!
I remember reading once, when in my 20’s, that a females sexual peak is in her 40’s. How? How can your sexual peak be in your forties when you have all this stuff going on? Is it one last grasp at the sex life of your 20’s? Ok I get the confidence bit, and the knowing what you like and how to get it, but feeling sexy whilst shaving your chin and crying at supermarket ads is not what I would consider to be the prime time for a sexual peak! I think they wrote that to make you feel better about the impending change to everything and to make you feel as if the sex you were getting in your 20’s isn’t going to be the best, there’s better to come, that eternal hope of something good in your forties. Which is great until you’re in your forties and longing for your 20’s.

Anyhoo, I digressed.
The negative result threw me. I walked down stair to tell my anxious husband the news. He actually did a victory dance, revealing in a speedy announcement how concerned he was that he wouldn’t be able to cope with another child, as it would affect him with the change of routines, the extra person, the noise sensitivity and a whole string of ASD symptoms that meant having another child was not good news for him. That’s fine but I felt yesterday as if someone had died. All day I felt depressed. Now am I mourning the child I thought I was going to carry? I actually changed the mode on my period tracker app to the pregnancy one, the baby would have been due on November 10th. Or am I mourning the ability to never ever conceive again?
My husband told me I should not see it as an end but as freedom, freedom of periods and mood swings, little does he know the list of symptoms above looming over us.
I just shown him the list. Now he’s angry at me for looking and sharing the list, now he thinks I will look for excuses in that list and will see it as a dangling sword of Damocles, can’t he see it is? So we’ve had an argument about it and I’m crying, I started crying reading the list out for no reason! Great! This is going to be a great combination, premenopausal woman sounds a lot like ASD man! It’s probably too close to home for him. How are those two going to get along?

This morning I still feel pregnant, there’s still no period, do I do another test? Is this me hoping that I get one last chance at the child I’ve wanted for the last 10 years or do I say goodbye to him/her forever. If it’s menopause where do I go for help and advice, my mother passed away, my mother in law just sent me a text saying “Be prepared for change!”

This is just as cryptic as it was at the beginning of the cycle, when I was eleven, sat crying in a toilet for 5 days in a hotel in Bournemouth, convinced I needed a poo because I had a tummy ache, only to return home the day before school started back after the summer holidays to a patch of dark warm blood on my seat. Nothing was said, I was just rushed up to the bathroom and changed and handed a towel to which my mother said “You’re a woman now, you’ll have to wear towels like this once a month, ok.” I remember taking the towel and pressing it into my child’s knickers thinking “What the hell!” Well here I am 31 years down the line and I’m still thinking “What the hell!”

I still think the blue stick of destiny is lying. I want to believe I have a few years left yet…

Pregnant or menopause?

This morning I am lying in bed, next to me on the duvet, purchased fresh off the shelf of the chemist by my husband on return from the school run, is a pregnancy test. It’s like a heavy weight on the duvet, keeping me tucked in and cosy for just a minute longer before I have to pee on it to see if it’s the end of a chapter in my life or the start of a very tiring one. I’m 43, getting pregnant at 16 was foolish ( I miscarried ), getting pregnant at 43 is careless or a miracle. We have been trying for another child since my son was born 10 years ago. We shall see what the blue stick of destiny says as soon as I can move. It’s so warm & cosy here at the moment. I don’t want to know if this 2 week lateness is due to one thing or another. Ignorance is bliss as they say.
So many things going through my mind right now. If I am pregnant, what do I do? There’s a huge risk of this child inheriting my husbands condition, how would we cope? The risks of being a pregnant older woman, with the state of the NHS as it is, would I get the proper care? Affordability. Age & health. How it would affect my 10 year old, the dynamics of the family.

If I’m not pregnant then I’m closing the book on ever having another child, in which case I hope to get through this stage of change as quickly as possible to get it over with. But I guess I have no say on the matter, it will take as long as it will take.

Oh well, there only one way to find out.
I may just lie here for another ten minutes first though…. Enjoy the last moments of ignorance….