P.S. I am a liar….

P.S. I am a liar. I lie for him, lie to cover up how he’s feeling, lie to cover up how Im feeling, lie about why he can’t go somewhere, lie about why he can’t do something, I lie not be be judged.  I lie to protect him, I cover his Aspergers with lies so people who don’t know he has ASD don’t know he has, and they never get too close to be privilege of the information, that they don’t judge him and treat him like an imbecile, he’s not, he’s highly intelligent but as soon as they know he has ASD they pity him, start using this patronising tone, start treating him differently, suddenly think they are more intelligent or better than he, that he is ill, stupid.

I just took a phone call from my brother who asked how everything was this morning, I lied and told him ‘OK’ just moments after my husband had silently walked out the door, not a word spoken to me all morning, just glares.  I lied when I am screaming inside, ‘its not ok, he’s gone out and I don’t know if he’ll come back, I don’t know if today he’ll go to the bridge and not through his normal walk of the woods, I don’t know if he’ll take a rope, Im not with him to make sure he’s not doing harm, I don’t know if I’ll speak to him again’. All this going on in my head and I reply ‘OK’. I lied to protect myself from the judgements of my brother on the situation Im in of caring for my husband who he thinks is ‘just weird’ and needs to man up and get over it, which is the popular response to Aspregers in the current social climate. I lied to our son who called from Austria last night, I told him everything was great, fab, that everything is OK……

I lie to myself thinking I can cope…

I am no better than his parents…..

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