I thought we would have a nice time,
I thought having time alone 24/7 would mean we could have fun,
I thought he would be ok.
He hates Christmas and all its fakery, he hates that is absolves people of their ignorance the rest of the year, he hates the fake emotions, over emotions, lies and false laughter.
He hates the giving of presents, he hates the receiving of presents. He knows people don’t give you what you want but what they want you to have, he hates having to pretend to like gifts he hates and doesn’t need, he hates the people giving him the gifts don’t know who he is enough to get him something he likes. He hates the vulgarity and greed. He sees the truth, the ugly, ugly truth of this consumerist festival, he sees the truth of his family not seeing him for who he is. He hates everything.
So these days alone with our son away are not fun, these days are now a battle with his sanity, I am the only one he sees so I have to deal with it, try and stop him going over the edge. No one sees this, no one helps. We’re both waking up in fear, waking up with a dread of the day, he’s going back to bed, pulling the covers over his head, unable to do anything. I am hovering, being around, getting upset at his mental state, trying to support him but inadvertently making this worse, which in turn is making me turn to the bottle for company and strength of an evening. this is reality, this is life, this is sad. No one knows.
He feels more separated from society than ever, everything is now based on emotion that he cannot fathom, the infantilism of culture and advertising, the hyper emotions of Christmas adverts and forcing kids into states of extreme anxiety and expectation and calling it magic. The normalisation of idiotic behaviour, aggression and lies. He can’t deal with the lies, lies, lies and neither can I.
People assume that its easy, that having ASD is curable, that you’re just ‘mental’ (excuse this vulgar term) they don’t realise that people with Aspergers actually see the truth, see through the lies, the deceit, the fakery. See everyone else pretending and they don’t understand why the people do it. Why lie, why pretend why not be honest? But this ability is seen as a bad thing, a disability, seeing the truth and expressing your observations is seen as socially wrong, better to lie to each other.
I lied to myself when I assumed we would have a good time, I lied to myself when I thought he would be ok……