The main reason for this weeks depression and red-zones is that plans were changed on the evening our son went away. I had pre planned a night out that would have been the perfect distraction but the plan changed last minute, this threw him. He had been focusing on the night out as the start to the week when he could hyper focus on things he liked, guilt free, instead he is now hyper focusing on the change of day and all the paranoia and self questioning that comes with change. Now all he wants to do is punch people in the head for messing up his week.
He’s landed, back for five minutes, he’s watching tv, he’s still not talking but he’s not glaring & frowning. He’s not eaten despite my numerous offers of varying types of food from sushi to homemade bread & crappy but tasty hotdogs but he will eat when he’s ready. He says he can’t stay in with me tonight, not after the outburst earlier, he embarrassed, guilty. I tell him Im Teflon and not to worry….. I worry
He came back from the walk, no calmer than before he went, but at least he came back.
He then turns and picks on me, this is standard behaviour for him, he is angry all morning, holds it in until mid afternoon then lets it out in my direction.
He’s angry at me for arranging the night out that I have now cancelled, angry that I have made it his fault again, angry that yesterday I told him that maybe saying you’re suffering make you suffer, angry that I don’t give him support, that I should go out on my own because he obviously spoils my life, angry that I love him. He doesn’t get that I understand, that I know what he’s going through, that I don’t blame him. He thinks he’s getting worse, that he’s losing his mind completely, that our house is a prison, that life is a prison… This is so upsetting … I don’t know what to do?
I have had to lie again, invited out for some social interaction at a friends house, I have had to cancel, take a rain check, say he has come down with a stomach bug because he cant face going out, because this particular couple have let us down on 3 previous occasions so he no longer trusts them. They change plans at last minute because Ive lied to them by not telling them he has Aspergers, to protect him from judgement. They do not know he cannot switch, has to plan, has to know in concrete things are going to happen. So again Ive lied…. I am a liar. Im fed up of lying. Its ironic, he hates liars & yet forces me to be one….
P.S. I am a liar. I lie for him, lie to cover up how he’s feeling, lie to cover up how Im feeling, lie about why he can’t go somewhere, lie about why he can’t do something, I lie not be be judged. I lie to protect him, I cover his Aspergers with lies so people who don’t know he has ASD don’t know he has, and they never get too close to be privilege of the information, that they don’t judge him and treat him like an imbecile, he’s not, he’s highly intelligent but as soon as they know he has ASD they pity him, start using this patronising tone, start treating him differently, suddenly think they are more intelligent or better than he, that he is ill, stupid.
I just took a phone call from my brother who asked how everything was this morning, I lied and told him ‘OK’ just moments after my husband had silently walked out the door, not a word spoken to me all morning, just glares. I lied when I am screaming inside, ‘its not ok, he’s gone out and I don’t know if he’ll come back, I don’t know if today he’ll go to the bridge and not through his normal walk of the woods, I don’t know if he’ll take a rope, Im not with him to make sure he’s not doing harm, I don’t know if I’ll speak to him again’. All this going on in my head and I reply ‘OK’. I lied to protect myself from the judgements of my brother on the situation Im in of caring for my husband who he thinks is ‘just weird’ and needs to man up and get over it, which is the popular response to Aspregers in the current social climate. I lied to our son who called from Austria last night, I told him everything was great, fab, that everything is OK……
I lie to myself thinking I can cope…
I am no better than his parents…..
His parents are arse-holes. Recently his Mother has made up some lie and told his father so that she can make a drama and blame it on him absolving her other son of any wrong doing (he is also a shit), making out that he has lied, again! This is what she does, this is how his whole life has been, he is the only person I know that physically cannot lie, it gives him physical and emotional distress if he has to lie so he doesn’t do it, can’t do it, will avoid situations if they involve lying or are based on lies. And yet his family always make out that he is the liar when it is them that make it look that way, he has to take the blame for it because they know that he cannot stick up for himself without it becoming an situation in which my husband becomes so angry he can get the blame for being unreasonable. Its a twisted sick game for them, an opportunity to use him as a scapegoat for everything that wrong in their family, the Fathers infidelity thats not spoken of, the mothers abandonment of her sons thats not spoken of, the brotherly love that is not there, the abuse which is quickly dismissed and made out to be fabricated, the whole flaming family unit is rotten, rotten, rotten. He has tried to cut them out of his life so many times but they have a sick hold over him that makes him feel incredibly guilty, they are the source of all his depression, all his anger, all his guilt. And they have moved up the road from us just to make sure that he knows he’s not off the hook yet….
The sad thing is that his parents are destroying the relationship he has with the family he actually likes, thats him, me & our son. Its destroying us, him, and they don’t have a care in the world about it. He’s not been able to see them since this last episode of blaming last January, they don’t even ask how he is anymore, they’ve dismissed him but don’t miss an opportunity to bad mouth him to family and friends as often as possible.
The sad & sick thing is they don’t care how he is, how he’s coping, how he feels but they dominate his thoughts……..constantly.
I thought we would have a nice time,
I thought having time alone 24/7 would mean we could have fun,
I thought he would be ok.
He hates Christmas and all its fakery, he hates that is absolves people of their ignorance the rest of the year, he hates the fake emotions, over emotions, lies and false laughter.
He hates the giving of presents, he hates the receiving of presents. He knows people don’t give you what you want but what they want you to have, he hates having to pretend to like gifts he hates and doesn’t need, he hates the people giving him the gifts don’t know who he is enough to get him something he likes. He hates the vulgarity and greed. He sees the truth, the ugly, ugly truth of this consumerist festival, he sees the truth of his family not seeing him for who he is. He hates everything.
So these days alone with our son away are not fun, these days are now a battle with his sanity, I am the only one he sees so I have to deal with it, try and stop him going over the edge. No one sees this, no one helps. We’re both waking up in fear, waking up with a dread of the day, he’s going back to bed, pulling the covers over his head, unable to do anything. I am hovering, being around, getting upset at his mental state, trying to support him but inadvertently making this worse, which in turn is making me turn to the bottle for company and strength of an evening. this is reality, this is life, this is sad. No one knows.
He feels more separated from society than ever, everything is now based on emotion that he cannot fathom, the infantilism of culture and advertising, the hyper emotions of Christmas adverts and forcing kids into states of extreme anxiety and expectation and calling it magic. The normalisation of idiotic behaviour, aggression and lies. He can’t deal with the lies, lies, lies and neither can I.
People assume that its easy, that having ASD is curable, that you’re just ‘mental’ (excuse this vulgar term) they don’t realise that people with Aspergers actually see the truth, see through the lies, the deceit, the fakery. See everyone else pretending and they don’t understand why the people do it. Why lie, why pretend why not be honest? But this ability is seen as a bad thing, a disability, seeing the truth and expressing your observations is seen as socially wrong, better to lie to each other.
I lied to myself when I assumed we would have a good time, I lied to myself when I thought he would be ok……
Hes planting seeds,
I find this troubling.
These seeds are for creepers,
Creepers with thorns,
thorns that rip & tear.
They grow so fast, too fast to tame.
They choke & block,
Replacing truth with barbs.