Blue Stick of Destiny says “No….!”.


Well the digital version of what used to be a pink or blue line/spot/X read ‘Not Pregnant’ in a nice Helvetica font. That was cheery.  So it appears according to the blue stick of destiny, that I am not pregnant and that I am either on the “change” or something worse that I can’t even think about but if I start losing weight drastically I promise I will get checked out.

The ‘Not Pregnant’ result really surprised me, I feel pregnant. I’ve been pregnant 3 times before, only carrying once to term, so I know the feeling. Tender breasts, tiredness, feeling sick, that weird feeling in your pubic area, the stretching aches, lower back pain, wee smelling different, crying at nothing at all, nipples like bullets! So seeing the ‘not pregnant’ confused me. Does the menopause make you feel pregnant? Is that what it’s symptoms are? I looked it up, the list is huge, here are some of the symptoms ….. As listed by Magnolia Miller a women’s health blogger:-

The more common symptoms of perimenopause are erratic monthly cycles, mood swings, hot flashes and night sweats.

• Insomnia

• Loss of Libido

• Irritability

• Extreme Crying Jags & Depression

• Weight Gain

• Short Term Memory Loss

• Vaginal Dryness

• Hypothyroidism

• Foggy Thinking

• Crashing Fatigue

• Heart Palpitations

• Changes in Body Odor

• Longer flooding periods, shorter scant periods or both

• Muscle and Joint Aches

• Hair Loss or thinning

• Anxiety & Feelings of Apprehension or dread

• Food Cravings

• Vertigo & Dizziness

• Breast Tenderness

• Difficulty concentrating.

Absolutely blooming fantastic is all I can say! And I mean that sarcastically!!! Thirty years of a continuous cycle of pain, depression & bleeding comes to a crashing crescendo of a finale with the symptoms of above. This can last 10+ years too!
I remember reading once, when in my 20’s, that a females sexual peak is in her 40’s. How? How can your sexual peak be in your forties when you have all this stuff going on? Is it one last grasp at the sex life of your 20’s? Ok I get the confidence bit, and the knowing what you like and how to get it, but feeling sexy whilst shaving your chin and crying at supermarket ads is not what I would consider to be the prime time for a sexual peak! I think they wrote that to make you feel better about the impending change to everything and to make you feel as if the sex you were getting in your 20’s isn’t going to be the best, there’s better to come, that eternal hope of something good in your forties. Which is great until you’re in your forties and longing for your 20’s.

Anyhoo, I digressed.
The negative result threw me. I walked down stair to tell my anxious husband the news. He actually did a victory dance, revealing in a speedy announcement how concerned he was that he wouldn’t be able to cope with another child, as it would affect him with the change of routines, the extra person, the noise sensitivity and a whole string of ASD symptoms that meant having another child was not good news for him. That’s fine but I felt yesterday as if someone had died. All day I felt depressed. Now am I mourning the child I thought I was going to carry? I actually changed the mode on my period tracker app to the pregnancy one, the baby would have been due on November 10th. Or am I mourning the ability to never ever conceive again?
My husband told me I should not see it as an end but as freedom, freedom of periods and mood swings, little does he know the list of symptoms above looming over us.
I just shown him the list. Now he’s angry at me for looking and sharing the list, now he thinks I will look for excuses in that list and will see it as a dangling sword of Damocles, can’t he see it is? So we’ve had an argument about it and I’m crying, I started crying reading the list out for no reason! Great! This is going to be a great combination, premenopausal woman sounds a lot like ASD man! It’s probably too close to home for him. How are those two going to get along?

This morning I still feel pregnant, there’s still no period, do I do another test? Is this me hoping that I get one last chance at the child I’ve wanted for the last 10 years or do I say goodbye to him/her forever. If it’s menopause where do I go for help and advice, my mother passed away, my mother in law just sent me a text saying “Be prepared for change!”

This is just as cryptic as it was at the beginning of the cycle, when I was eleven, sat crying in a toilet for 5 days in a hotel in Bournemouth, convinced I needed a poo because I had a tummy ache, only to return home the day before school started back after the summer holidays to a patch of dark warm blood on my seat. Nothing was said, I was just rushed up to the bathroom and changed and handed a towel to which my mother said “You’re a woman now, you’ll have to wear towels like this once a month, ok.” I remember taking the towel and pressing it into my child’s knickers thinking “What the hell!” Well here I am 31 years down the line and I’m still thinking “What the hell!”

I still think the blue stick of destiny is lying. I want to believe I have a few years left yet…


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s